The Ten Commandment for a Happy Madame

 So I went to Target and there was this woman in front of me that smelled like fishy Mcbites and it irritated the piss out of me because my nose hairs singed. I feel like all woman should know how to take care of their madame not just for your own personal health but for the sake of the people that have to smell you. We all know that one person or have came across that one person that smells like something unholy and if you have not then it's probably you. And if you have a friend that has madame issues then please share this with them for the good of all mankind. To keep this cute and classy lets name your vagina Madame Mary. Here are come commandments to keep Madame Mary Happy.

Thy Shall Take A Bath:

Weather you have a Virgin Mary, Proud Mary, or Bloody Mary, please take a bath or shower especial when you have a Bloody Mary. Madame Mary is naturally equipped to clean herself by use of discharge but it would be nice if you help her out by taking her for a dip in the tub. When it comes to cleaning Madame Mary try to avoid using scented soaps. I know it would be nice to walk around smelling like lavenders and roses but mother nature said no. Summers Eve and other feminine hygiene brands made washes design for the Mary so she doesn't get irritated. But not all Marys are the same, some can use these product and not have any problem but others can get irritated. It is important that you keep Mary and her other neighbors clean by using the soap that works for you. If Mary is crying red tears then please clean for at least twice a day.

Thy Shall Not Douche:

Some people claim that a douche helps keep their Marys happy but the problem with a douche is that it disturbs her PH-balance by reducing the acidity levels and making Mary more prone to get under the weather. Mary starts to release odors as a sign that she is sick with some sort of bacteria infection and your douches are masking the odors.

Thy Shall Feed Mary Healthy Foods:

Poor diet can affect the smells that Mary makes. Drinking ALLOT of water helps to flush out bacteria. Cranberry juice has properties that can help kill bacteria in the urinary tract and aid with yeast infections but make sure the cranberry juice is sugar free. A diet loaded with sugar and sodium can also cause yeast infections and UTI's. Yogurt is a  good food to eat because its packed with good bacteria that Mary loves. I have heard that Mary likes fruits such as pineapple.

Thy Shall Change Thine Pads and Tampons:

When Bloody Mary strikes always make sure you keep a clean pad or tampon. Wearing these things for a long period of time will result in Mary smelling like raw hamburger meat.

Thy Shall Wipe After a Sprinkle:

After a sprinkle remember to wipe front to back. Wiping back to front pushes bacteria towards the urinary track.

Thy Shall Wear Happy Underwear:

Lace and Satin underwear back be cute but Mary is suffocating. Cotton underwear is the best breathable fabric for Mary. Make sure you underwear isn't too small. If Mary is escaping then the underwear is too small for you bro.

Thy Shall Wear Clean Underwear:

Women are not like men in the since that we can't wear the same underwear for days and flip it around. If you do that the you are gross because Mary is always self cleaning. Make sure you wash your underwear in warm water to kill the bacteria. When Mary's tears stain your cute undies soak then in cold water and toothpaste and then clean.

Thy Shall Set Her Free:

As I mentioned before Mary likes to Breath. Sometimes wearing underwear to sleep can cause infections so every now and again sleep undieless. Those skinny jeans and booty shorts are creating heat down there for her and it makes the perfect breading ground for bacteria and odor. So be careful with how often you are wearing those clothing.

Thy Shall Keep Thine Legs Closedth:

When Proud Mary is engaging to thotetry or what ever you crazy kids are calling it you are opening her up to STD and other infections. If you have a Virgin Mary then you have nothing to worry about, but if you like to introduce Mary to Dick and Other Marys if thats what you are into then well be careful.

Thy Shall Go To The Gyno:

Take Mary to the doctor for exams to the best thing you can do if you choose to ignore all nine commandments. They let you know about everything that is going on with your little Mary. Its best if you find out whats going on with her before anything bad happens.

And there you go. If anything on this list offends you then I don't care. Remember you only get one Madame Mary. Be nice to her. Or people will make fun of you in the target check-out line.